I recently started running again. Not because I wanted to prove any stubborn point, but because I deem it my therapy...my antidepressant. The last few years have proven to be trying and for whatever reason, running seems to diminish any depression that may be lurking in the nether regions of my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm one of those "glass is half full" types--I believe with every ounce of being that I am completely and totally blessed beyond recognition. My family is sincere, kind, generous, funny like no other--they keep me grounded when my head gets a tad large and remind me of my worth when I've forgotten. They are the light that shines brightest in my life and if I live to be 100 years old, I'll never find the proper words of gratitude to express to God for the gift of them! Having said all of that, I still harbor hidden depression--the loss of my father...a diagnosis of cancer...the battle afterward...the fact that my body will never be the same...the feeling of not being "enough."
When I run, these encumberences cease to exist. Its the most delicate yet least complicated relationship I have--I am completely zen when running. The road asks nothing of me yet, here I give it everything I have several days/week. When I'm stretching pre-run, all of those worries pulse through my veins-reminding me that they'll be there when I return to this very place. And that's okay--life's difficulties don't just disappear because you will them to. They are sometimes, not so subtle reminders that we were never guaranteed a straight shot--a road sans bumps or curves. And really, what fun would that be anyway. ;) But on my mind at that very moment before I take to the streets, is not the curves or bumps that I may or may not encounter during the week, but the inclines, trails and traffic that I will inevitably traverse during the next hour or so when I am at peace...when I am running.
Cancer's a bitch no matter which type, stage, outlook, etc. When you are finally forced to check yes in the "cancer box" on a health questionaire, you realize you belong to one of the least desirable clubs around. For me, cancer has been just that...a bitch! In fact, that's what I named my little silver dollar sized tumor..."bitch." I see nothing wrong with this either. I was diagnosed 1/14/2010 with cervical cancer and every week after that, was more difficult than the last. Finally, as the date of my surgery neared, I realized that I needed to make peace with a few things that had been left untended. One, was I really at peace with losing so many internal parts of myself? Was chemotherapy and or radiation a better option? Would I be ready? Would I be regretful? Would I be angry? Would I be determined or just indifferent? I had no idea what to expect from anything let alone myself. But I knew one thing to be true...after all was said and done, I'd be ready to take out my frustrations/pain/anxiety/disappointment...on that road again! This was the same road I'd pummelled for months after my Dad died. The same road that saw me through my anxiety; softened my days after so many sleepless nights. This road allowed me to find a steady strength that I'd previously determined was all but forgotten. This road did not judge me nor did it find fault in any of the choices I'd made. This road knows how to make me feel important and powerful. This road would be just as ready for me as I was for it. a very unspoken, quiet relationship. I start slowly and steadily. This road is predictable and trustworthy--I know where the cracks and uneveness are. I know where to look for cross-traffic and busted light signals. I know where to expect possible wildlife and their droppings. Always predictable...steadfast...reliable. So unlike the drama life unveils. The best confidant a person could have. Selflessly, the road expects nothing of me but to give it a little time and energy. In return, I get so much more-I get peace, quiet, relief, strength, will, and determination to fight for another day...on another road.
I'm starting oh so very slowly. I have to remind myself that only 9 weeks ago, I was essentially cut in half and gutted like a fish. My body will never be exactly the same. I have muscles that may never reconnect, forcing me to work twice as hard. And all of this is fine with me because...I am on that road again! I am back with my therapist, my antidepressant, my scapegoat, my friend. I am up and I am running. :)
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Above and Beyond Women
I sent out all of my Mother's Day cards this morning. I generally send about 30 to all of the amazing women who fill my life, whatever the capacity. It takes awhile to get all of them out. I really try to insert my heart and feelings into all of them so finishing in one day is fairly impossible. But this year, I struggled. Not because these women were not worthy of a $2.99 card and the $0.44 stamp that accompanied it, but because I choked up a few times on the words that I wrote--the words have never been more true than they are this year! I love these women with everything I have. And this year, they have proven to be above and beyond women...they are my heroes!
The past few years have been trying. In 2008, my Dad fell ill with cirrhosis of the liver and passed away, despite our best efforts to keep him alive. On July 6 at the young age of 49, he went to live with God. I've never been the same nor will I ever. He was such a light in my life-despite his pain and anguish, he continued to manage humor, laughter and above all, love. In 2009, after a battery of pokes, prods and tests, my husband was diagnosed with an incurable blood disorder. It was an incredibly scary time for us--not knowing why his platelet count had been continually low for years. Finally, a hematologist determined that Matt either had leukemia or ITP (idio thrombocytopetic purpura). It turned out to be the latter--his spleen filters then proceeds to"eat" many of his platelets resulting in a lower count. He was having his blood drawn every week for months @ a time. I was constantly worried what his count was at--it can fall from 100 to 2 overnight and there's nothing we can do about it, but watch and stay vigilant. Now that we know what "Matt's normal" is (90-120 a normal person's is 150+), we can breathe a little easier as long as he stays in that realm. But there's always the worry that it will change overnight and he ends up with an injury or an internal bleed. And finally, well, you all know what January 14, 2010 brought me...the "c word." Actually, the cancer has been there for awhile, it just took several doctors YEARS to find it. ;) If you haven't heard/read the full story of my journey with cancer, I did blog about it and you're more than welcome to view it. So where are we now...
Through all of this, test after test, these women, the ones I chose to write these "Mother's Day" cards to, were there--there to pray, think happy thoughts, send cards/flowers/meals, babysit, visit, cry with me or for me...they chose to be above and beyond anything I would've known to even ask for! They chose to be present. There were times they chose to temporarily disregard their own lives to assist mine. They would ache for my pain whether it be physical or emotional. These women helped me find my "fight" when I could barely find strength to open my eyes to take the next step. These are women I could not live without!
But I haven't been the only one who has battled life's challenges...these women are true warriors! Some of them, like me, have lost parents. Others, even more tragically, have lost children. Then there are others, who almost lost themselves. But still, their hearts continue to beat. They continue to love, strive, advance, laugh, cheer and live. These women have helped to remind me that I will never be alone, even in my darkest hour. They have held my hand and walked, sometimes crawled with me, to the other side. If they only knew how much they meant to me, how much they mean to the human race. Women like this should come with capes...they are "Above and Beyond" women!!
Happy Mother's Day to all of the Moms, Grandmothers, Great Grandmothers, Aunts, Sisters, Cousins, Wives, Nieces and Friends out there! I hope you are just as blessed as I am to have such amazing women in your life. Let them know you love and appreciate them and that if and when the time ever comes, you'll be their cape-wearin', high flyin', meal makin', baby watchin' "Above and Beyond" woman, too! :)
The past few years have been trying. In 2008, my Dad fell ill with cirrhosis of the liver and passed away, despite our best efforts to keep him alive. On July 6 at the young age of 49, he went to live with God. I've never been the same nor will I ever. He was such a light in my life-despite his pain and anguish, he continued to manage humor, laughter and above all, love. In 2009, after a battery of pokes, prods and tests, my husband was diagnosed with an incurable blood disorder. It was an incredibly scary time for us--not knowing why his platelet count had been continually low for years. Finally, a hematologist determined that Matt either had leukemia or ITP (idio thrombocytopetic purpura). It turned out to be the latter--his spleen filters then proceeds to"eat" many of his platelets resulting in a lower count. He was having his blood drawn every week for months @ a time. I was constantly worried what his count was at--it can fall from 100 to 2 overnight and there's nothing we can do about it, but watch and stay vigilant. Now that we know what "Matt's normal" is (90-120 a normal person's is 150+), we can breathe a little easier as long as he stays in that realm. But there's always the worry that it will change overnight and he ends up with an injury or an internal bleed. And finally, well, you all know what January 14, 2010 brought me...the "c word." Actually, the cancer has been there for awhile, it just took several doctors YEARS to find it. ;) If you haven't heard/read the full story of my journey with cancer, I did blog about it and you're more than welcome to view it. So where are we now...
Through all of this, test after test, these women, the ones I chose to write these "Mother's Day" cards to, were there--there to pray, think happy thoughts, send cards/flowers/meals, babysit, visit, cry with me or for me...they chose to be above and beyond anything I would've known to even ask for! They chose to be present. There were times they chose to temporarily disregard their own lives to assist mine. They would ache for my pain whether it be physical or emotional. These women helped me find my "fight" when I could barely find strength to open my eyes to take the next step. These are women I could not live without!
But I haven't been the only one who has battled life's challenges...these women are true warriors! Some of them, like me, have lost parents. Others, even more tragically, have lost children. Then there are others, who almost lost themselves. But still, their hearts continue to beat. They continue to love, strive, advance, laugh, cheer and live. These women have helped to remind me that I will never be alone, even in my darkest hour. They have held my hand and walked, sometimes crawled with me, to the other side. If they only knew how much they meant to me, how much they mean to the human race. Women like this should come with capes...they are "Above and Beyond" women!!
Happy Mother's Day to all of the Moms, Grandmothers, Great Grandmothers, Aunts, Sisters, Cousins, Wives, Nieces and Friends out there! I hope you are just as blessed as I am to have such amazing women in your life. Let them know you love and appreciate them and that if and when the time ever comes, you'll be their cape-wearin', high flyin', meal makin', baby watchin' "Above and Beyond" woman, too! :)
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